Effing Dykes Gifts: What Lies Below (The Woman Fingernails) | Autostraddle

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Krista

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Effing Dykes

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Hiya lezzers!

I had gotten marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY TALE??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get the friend. Every person had gotten your pal? Great. Hold on tight towards buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this really is a genuine tale.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, when I was actually so newly gay I didn’t even understand I was newly gay…

A mature lesbian during the now-defunct queer bar known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I was entirely merely there to boogie)


gave me some information:

1)


Never open up a shared checking account with your enthusiast



2)


Don’t fake sexual climaxes



3)


Make certain a woman’s fingernails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The sensible lesbian was at her later part of the 40’s, an age-group up to now from my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID home that i really couldn’t actually imagine what it must certanly be like to be so old.

How unfortunate, I thought. Right here she is at a bar and she’s old. I am hoping Really don’t end up lonely like this lady.

Isn’t it enjoyable as the center of your very own universe?

Just what a little shit I found myself.

For reasons uknown, though, we was presented with from

Za’s


that night saying the woman three rules to myself.

As I woke right up, I thought of them.

It was a lot like from inside the gold seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb tend to be charged by Aslan to remember The Signs.


You shouldn’t act like that you don’t re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a year.

In any event! over the years, i recalled the 3 existence lessons the lesbian had instructed me. The woman advice generated good sense.

I never ever launched a joint bank account with anyone.

I never ever faked sexual climaxes once again following the first few times used to do it, realizing I found myself, in reality, dooming myself to a perpetual cycle of shitty intercourse by satisfying poor overall performance with my whines of «ecstasy.»

And that I constantly secretly inspected a girl’s nails before I slept with her.

Brief? Check.

No rough borders? Always Check.

Clean? It’s search time.

But why, nymphos?


What’s the big deal about nails?


What is while using the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Exactly What?

I am talking about, alright, I get it. It is more challenging to screw with very long fingernails. You might possibly puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is not impossible. I have had very long nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em ain’t all of that tough — you only remember to make use of the pads of your fingers.

So why was actually that lesbian very emphatic about clean nails?

You guys, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to accomplish some debunking.

Clearly nothing could actually happen to you if you had gotten screwed by some body with filthy fingernails.

And I remembered a story very awful I would very nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Terrible crap sometimes happens.

This horror story relates to you courtesy of my good-looking buddy »


Cai



,» who may have seen even more snatch in heat than a kitty center on Free Spay Day.

Okay.

Cai


was at Miami whenever she found a very hot femme we’ll phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies cooking, dressed in a leopard-print bikini, had massive silver hoops that shimmered inside light, and possessed one of many greatest asses


Cai


had actually ever observed.

She secretly texted me personally a picture of

Katie

at the pool so she could brag, and that I texted right back,


«i might strike that till my personal hand decrease down.»

So, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that evening. There was indeed some really serious consuming.

While getting undressed


Katie


inside the half-light,


Cai


noticed something she hadn’t actually observed before:



Katie had cool fingernails.

In fact,




Katie




had an extended, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


could not prevent the emotional picture of these fingernails clawing down the woman straight back while she fucked


Katie


, thus animalistic gender commenced.

Cai


actually let

Katie


fuck the girl, despite the reality she normally never ever allows anybody accomplish that. Precisely what the hell, she realized. Heading residence the next day. Never see this woman again. I could get topped for a night.

Why don’t we fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Anything ended up being completely wrong with


Cai’s


«area.»

Seriously, severely incorrect. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish material had been oozing from it. Once I say some I mean extortionate. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because being supportive is really what relationship is about, whenever she informed me, I said,


«You ultimately had gotten the clap. Whorebag.»

Cai


laughed nervously. She went house, googled «the clap» and turned into convinced that she did, indeed have gonorrhea. She decided to go, for the first time previously


(she had been 28),


to your queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno hospital.

They didn’t know what ended up being wrong together with her.

They tested the girl for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was at some pain. She needed responses. She was in fact putting the


‘pus’


in


«pussy»


for nearly a month now.

So they really provided the girl an ultrasound.

AND MIGHT YOU YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All around the inside of the woman vag.

A whole load of tears.

Cai


were ripped to shreds. The woman insides were clinging in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration accessories within.

And every thing – every final inches – ended up being contaminated.

It could appear whenever Katie utilized her fantastic lengthy fingernails supply

Cai


a strenuous drunk-fuck, no body realized that her fingernails happened to be in addition a festering breeding ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


states currently a stone-cold very top since that time.

My personal companion wikipedia states you will get unpleasant bacterial infections from filthy nails. Evidently, you will find often staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, that could trigger something from epidermis boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And do you know what else?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I’m gonna say.

That wise lesbian was actually spot-on with her existence classes.

Never start a mutual bank checking account along with your lover.

Never ever phony orgasms.

And holy mom of goodness, have a look at a unique secret’s fingernails before fucking.

Or perhaps you are condemned to experience the fate of Cai.

THE END

I Need To wonder, though…

Have of y’all actually become everything terrible from another women’s fingers?

Or observed somebody who did?

Or is this generally



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan myth?

My hands are inching towards the travel-sized Purell bottle.

I need solutions.